Can I Snog You, Evans?
by shnoodle-bum
Summary: “James, we say this because we care: your techniques suck.” LJ, R&R!
1. Sore Backs, Corn, Plans

**CAN I SNOG YOU, EVANS?**

**GENRE**: Romance/Humor, Lily/James

**SUMMARY**: "James, we say this because we care: your techniques suck."

**DISCLAIMER**: If I owned Harry Potter, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Fred and Hedwig would all be alive, but they're not, so, no, sadly, I don't own Harry Potter. Excuse me while I weep in a miserable corner.

* * *

**I. Sore Backs, Corn, Plans**

"No _way_!"

"Hey James – can I touch it?"

"Look at the way it _shines_ –"

"What are you doing? You're going to light my broom up!"

"No I won't!"

"Yes you did – see this speck here?"

"Fire doesn't make _specks_, genius –"

On the other side of the common room, Lily groaned into the book she was reading. Only three days into the start of their new school year and here he was, surrounded by what looked like everyone from his 'We-Love-James-Potter' fan club, feeding his already inflated ego.

She snuggled deeper into the cushions and turned a page, trying to ignore all the gasps of wonder and delighted exclamations. And the chit-chat. She could do less with the chit-chat.

"EVANS!"

Lily didn't even budge. She'd know that voice anywhere: it was the same voice that bugged her since her first train ride to Hogwarts, it was the same voice that started each 'conversation' with the same words –

"HEY EVANS!"

– built up their 'conversations' with the same question –

"Will you go out with me?"

– but only shut up when the 'conversation' was ended with the same reply:

"No."

"Evaaaans," the voice nagged her.

Right, so I was wrong about the 'shutting up' part.

"Come on! Say yes, you won't regret it."

Lily raised her eyes without moving her head to look into the grinning, goofy face of James Potter. Well, she tried to, anyway – she was sitting on the floor, while her suitor was standing and towering over her at six feet tall. Her eyes started to water as she tried to force her eye level to move up. Unfortunately, her eyeballs refused to move, something which Sirius Black was happy to point out.

"Evans, why are you staring at Jamesie's crotch?"

Blinking rapidly, Lily finally jerked her head up to glare at the two people in front of her – _right_ in front of her.

"You're blocking my way," she blurted out stupidly.

"Your way?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Are you training yourself to walk on your butt cheeks?"

Lily flushed, but refused to back down. "You're blocking my view of … of the fire."

"Didn't know you considered Prongs here your fire," Sirius grinned, but stepped back, "but here you go! All yours."

Lily and James decided to ignore him (though the latter did grin stupidly) and returned to their bickering. Or as James would put it, their flirting.

"Can you please move?" Lily repeated. "I'm almost suffocating here with your abnormally large ego pushing up against me. And the rest of the people in this room. See Nina Whealdon's face over there?"

James turned to see who she was pointing at, and frowned. "Isn't that how she always looked like?"

"Don't make fun of other people's features," Lily snapped, closing her book and getting up. "You aren't all that good-looking yourself."

"You're right, good-looking is an understatement. I'm gorgeous," James grinned cheekily at her as she stood up. He grabbed her by the elbow as she wobbled and nearly stumbled back again, "You should sit down again, your butt cheeks must be sore."

"Excuse me?" Lily snorted as she pushed his grip away. "Can you keep your childish comments to yourself please?"

"I simply made a concerning remark, and this is what I get?"

Lily grabbed her book before shooting the boy a glare, tilting her head slightly as she did so – which infuriated even more. _Stupid, stupid boy_, she thought angrily to herself. _Merlin, what did I do to deserve this constant nagging?_

"Prongs, you should be ashamed of yourself."

Shocked to hear such words come from Sirius's mouth, Lily couldn't suppress a smile and thank him, "Exactly. Potter, you should learn more from Black here."

Sirius didn't seem to hear her. "The lady is in pain, you should give her a massage!" he barked at his best friend. "Instead you give her a so-called 'concerned remark'?"

"A massage," Lily and James repeated together in disbelief. "A massage where?" Lily asked, somewhat hesitantly, like she already knew the answer.

Sirius plopped himself down onto Lily's vacated spot, grabbed a box of Chocolate Frogs from under the sofa and began shoving the sweets into his mouth.

Ewwww.

"Where did you think I meant?" Sirius chuckled, open-mouthed. _A rather disgusting sight_, Lily cringed, looking at his chocolate covered teeth and … other unidentifiable objects in his mouth. It was enough to make her forget what they were talking about.

"You mean," James said carefully, as if Sirius's eating habits did not bother him (he had probably witnessed the same scene countless times), "I should give Lily …"

"A butt massage!" Sirius said with a wide grin, which quickly turned into a frown when Lily smacked him on the head with her book, causing him to choke on his chocolate goo and spit.

"Black!"

"White!"

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Lily cried, frustrated.

"Hey, we rhymed!" James grinned as Sirius laughed, both of whom were clearly very pleased with themselves. They high-fived each other before turning to the red-head, their right hands in the air, evidently wanting to share a high-five with her too.

Which, I would think is quite obvious, she didn't do.

Instead, Lily merely scowled at both of them. All she wanted was some reading time – preferably without everyone swooning and having orgasms over James Potter's new broomstick while she did so – and maybe pig out on the Chocolate Frogs that Sirius literally swallowed without a bite, or maybe fall asleep snuggled in all the pillows in front of the fire.

But noooooo.

"So Evans, whatcha say?" James flashed her what he thought was a charming grin. Instead, Lily winced at the sight of his pearly-whites.

"Potter, you have what looks like the every single dish of Hogwart's end of the year feast stuck between your teeth," she answered instead, ignoring his question on purpose.

"No I don't," he snorted stubbornly.

"Yes you do."

"Nuh-uh."

"Actually, you do," Sirius cut in, leaning forward and peering closely at his best friend's mouth. "I think it's a tiny piece of corn. Or a yellow pea."

"Last time I checked, Hogwarts was well stocked with food," James snorted, getting a mirror out. "I doubt its end of the year feast consisted of just one tiny piece of vegetable." With that said, he began to pick at his teeth with the mirror in front of him – much to Lily's disgust.

"If you're going to do that, can you do it in the bathroom, please?"

James looked up at her, teeth bared, nostrils flared, but still – somehow – managed to raise his eyebrows questioningly. "Do what?"

"You still haven't got it?" Sirius said impatiently, cutting off Lily's answer, making her fume. "How hard can it be? Here, use your finger –" He grasped James's pinky and – forcefully – grabbed his chin, turning his face around. As he examined his friend's mouth, they heard a click and both of them turned their heads to see the red-headed girl grinning from ear to ear, patting her camera fondly.

"I knew this would come in handy," she chirped, putting her camera safely inside her bag. "Don't worry," she beamed, looking at their shocked faces, "I'll share with you two the picture when I develop it!"

"'Ily," James forced the words to come out of the current position of his lips, "'ah never knew 'aye 'Ily kitty could be sho evil – OUCH!"

"Merlin," Sirius muttered, sticking his left hand in his pockets and searching for a tissue, "That's one big piece of corn. Oi, got a tissue?" he glared at James, who was rubbing his chin, as if it were his entire fault. "I have your piece of corn here the size of a Hippogriff's eye, it'd be nice if –"

"That _bloody_ hurt!" James howled. "My teeth, my perfect teeth – are they still intact?"

Sirius snorted. "I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't. Seriously, anyone?" he glared at a few second-years next to him. When he didn't get an answer, he merely flicked it to the other side of the common room.

"Black!" Lily scolded him, hands on her hips.

"You're right, I'm sorry," he sighed, looking sincerely regretful. "I could've taken someone's head off with the size of that thing – sorry!" he called, waving and smiling sheepishly at his fellow Gryffindors, who simply looked at him weirdly.

Meanwhile, James was inspecting the state of his 'perfect teeth' in his mirror. Once he was satisfied, he sighed in relief and pocketed it.

The mirror, that is.

"I seriously thought I'd be chipped tooth," he grumbled, rubbing his chin once more. "It still kind of hurts though – do you think there'll be a bruise?"

"Yes," Lily answered swiftly, "but it'll be nowhere as big as the size of your ego."

"Oh Lily, you wound me so," James groaned dramatically, dropping to his knees and hanging his head in shame.

"Lily Billy, how can you do this to my best friend?" Sirius puffed out his chest and mock-glared at her. "I demand you make it up to him right now."

"Will you go out with me?" James leapt to his feet promptly, grinning once more and back to his, as Lily would call it, 'Ego-As-Big-As-Russia' mood.

The girl in question glared at him and asked instead, "After giving you the same answer for half a year, what makes you think I changed my mind?"

"Because you love me?"

"If love is the new word for 'hating your personality,' then yes," Lily growled.

Deciding his friend's ego was in serious danger of deflating by a miniscule, Sirius came forward and whammed a hand against James's back, making him step forward involuntarily and choking. "Why won't you give Prongsie here a chance, huh? Huh? Huh? HUH? HU –"

"Because," Lily poked his chest, "he's still a conceited, cocky, self-centered bully who terrorizes people for the fun of it!"

"Hey, three C's!" Sirius guffawed, whacking his friend's back again and laughing particularly loudly for a not-so-funny joke.

If it was even a joke at all.

Which it wasn't.

"Not really," James frowned, his brows crossed. "'Self-centered' begins with an S."

"But 'centered' begins with a C."

"Yeah, but 'self' comes before 'centered,' so technically, it starts with an S."

"But the word _self_ in this word isn't really important, its key meaning is in _centered_."

"That'd make no sense! 'I am a _centered_ bully'?"

"Hmm, maybe you're right –"

"_Will you two shut it already?_"

Both boys broke away from their 'what-letter-does-'self-centered'-start-with-mystery' and turned towards her, grinning sheepishly.

"This is the lamest conversation I've ever been in," Lily commented, mostly talking to herself.

"I think it's rather interesting," Sirius beamed. "Right, so, back on topic. Where were we?"

"I was busy pointing out – correctly, if I may add – Potter's characteristics."

"Incorrectly," James corrected her.

"No, I said correctly."

"You said correctly, yes – but that's incorrect."

"What's so incorrect about me pointing out correctly your correct features?"

"The fact that you said correctly makes it incorrect."

"Well, your statement about the word I used correctly – which is correct - is incorrect."

"Is it just me, but are the words 'correct' and 'incorrect' sounding more and more strange?" Sirius cut them off, stroking his chin. "The more you guys say it the dirtier it sounds."

"That's just your mind," Lily rolled her eyes at them both before leaning down and grabbing her bag, stuffing the book she was previously reading inside it. "Like I said, this is the lamest conversation I've ever been in. Now, if you'll excuse me –"

"You're not excused," Sirius blurted out.

"And why is that?"

"Because you haven't given Prongs here an answer yet." This time, James was ready: he leapt to his right as Sirius raised his arm to slap him on the back, but instead of just hitting nothing, his hand hit Lily's shoulder instead.

She doubled back, a little surprised. "Black!"

"Yeah, Black!" James glared at his friend, who looked at his victim apologetically and rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you okay? Do you need to go to Madam Pomfrey? Have you broken any bones? Take off your shirt, you could be bleeding, I'll probably have to –"

"Oh shut up, Potter," Lily smacked his hand away, shouldering her bag again. "Move."

"Go out with me, Evans? Please?"

"Give me one good reason."

"Because I'm a good-looking, not-self-centered-as-in-the-self-centered-that-begins-with-an-S bully, and all-around good guy?" he batted his eyelashes at her.

"James!" a fifth-year-girl suddenly came between James and Lily out of nowhere. "James, your Nimbus 1500 is sooooo beautiful, it makes you look even sexier than usual –"

"It does, doesn't it?" James grinned, straightening, but frowned and scowled at her under two seconds. "Now move before I hex you, you're blocking my view of Evans."

The girl gave him another admiring look before scampering off to her group of friends, excited to hear all about the oh-so-exhilarating exchange.

"See what I mean?" Lily glared at him. "You can't stop complimenting yourself! Was this trait something that you were born with, or did Black rub off you?"

Sirius, who had been flirting with a nearby girl, overheard the last bit of her sentence. "Hey!"

James continued as if he hadn't heard her. "You have to admit though, the broom makes my arse look as good as ever, very nice view indeed –"

Frustrated, Lily gave up and pushed past him, stomping her way to the girl's dormitories.

"I'll take that as a yes, then?" her desperate suitor called after her.

"NO!"

* * *

"I think that went quite well."

"I think so too."

"I mean, at least she didn't pour a pitcher of pumpkin juice over you –"

"She just wanted to see my clothes stick to my amazing body."

"– or like last time, 'kindly' offering to cure your numb foot by stomping on it a few dozen times –"

"She just wanted to cling to my amazing body while she did so."

"I think she was holding onto the table, though."

"Hmmm."

They were climbing up the stairs that led to their dorm room as they evaluated James's recent attempts to date Lily Evans. When they stopped outside of their doorway, the door automatically opened itself and a red carpet rolled out, trumpets playing and the crowd going wild –

Well, no. Not really.

Instead, Remus Lupin burst out of the room, clutching his nose. When he reached outside, he slammed the door shut and leaned against it before breathing out a sigh of relief.

"Let me guess," Sirius grunted. "Not his butt cheek squeak again?"

"_Squeak_ is an understatement," their friend fanned his face with his book. "In fact, the word _squeak_ is far too cute and endearing to describe –"

"Wormtail's flabbergaster?" James snorted. "I agree."

Before any of them could comment any further, the door was pulled open again and Remus nearly tumbled into their room. The three of them backed away from the figure that now stood before them.

There was a slight pause before Peter shuffled his feet, saying, "I'll have you know that it wasn't _that_ bad –"

"Oh dear Merlin," James waved a hand in front of his nose, making a face, "what did you _eat_?"

"Um," Peter coughed, "a potato."

"Was it boiled or mashed?" Sirius demanded.

"Mashed, I think."

"I _knew_ it."

"That doesn't explain _anything_," Remus snorted. "I don't care what he ate, I just want a place to sleep tonight that doesn't smell of –"

"A simple charm should do it," a quiet voice came up behind them, and the four of them shrieked like girls and leapt aside.

Oh, the shame.

The four of them watched as their other roommate walked in ("He isn't even holding his breath – what a brave soul!" Sirius gaped in wonder), muttered the incantation, and immediately they could sense the success of its effect.

"I knew that," James said rather offhandedly, strutting into the room.

"So did I," Sirius shrugged and went in after him. Remus merely shook his head before he followed suit, and Peter hesitated for a moment before going in.

Scanning around, Remus frowned. "Where did Malory go?"

"He's asleep," James nodded at the other side of the room from his position at his own bed. "How he does it, I'll never know."

Sirius sniggered, battling his way to his four-poster through his mess. "Yeah. You'd think between our talking and shouting, Prongs's courting of Lily, Wormtail's farts –"

"HEY!"

"I mean, his uh, 'puffers' …"

Apparently, it seemed like Peter was quite sensitive to his … _problem_. Mind you, I would be too.

"Speaking of which, how'd it go?" Remus looked at James.

"Brilliantly!"

"She said yes?"

"Not really."

"Then how's that 'brilliantly'?" Peter frowned, sitting down beside Remus's bed, crossing his legs.

"Because she didn't even hit me this time!" James beamed at them, as if he were expecting a round of applause.

Which, incidentally, Peter did. Put his hands together and clapped vigorously.

It's rather amazing how such a big sound could come from such a small person with such small hands.

"Wormtail!" Remus prodded him with his book. "You'll wake Malory up!"

"Oh," he stopped, looking a little guilty. "Sorry."

"Don't be such a worrywart, Moony," Sirius said. He had reached under his bed and grabbed a box full of Chocolate Frogs and began to stuff them into his mouth – like before. The scene was just as unpleasant.

"If the boy can sleep through our ruckus and schemes and … stuff, he can sleep through anything," James nodded in agreement. "Padfoot, mate, give me some –"

"No. Get your own."

"That's not fair, you already had some downstairs –"

"Sucks to be you."

"Padfoot!"

"If you hadn't been _busy_ then," Sirius sniggered, "then you would've paid more attention." He grabbed another, pulled out the card inside and sighed. "Bah, Dumbledore again. I have enough of him to cover up the castle walls, floors, and toilet seats."

"Then give it to me – along with the frog."

"You know," Sirius crossed his eyes at him, "this is exactly why Evans won't go out with you."

At this, James laughed. "What? I'm a gentleman!"

He belched. Loudly.

"I live with the smelliest people on this planet," Remus muttered under his breath, fanning himself with a book again.

Sirius finally threw the sweets aside, strode over to James – almost tripping a few times from all the junk in his way – and jabbed a finger forcefully into his chest. "You," he declared dramatically, "need our help."

"Help?" Peter looked at him nervously.

"Yes!" Sirius grinned slyly, pulling James to his feet and thumping him on the back. From all the whacks he had given him, his back was probably black and blue by now. "Our help! We're the Marauders, we help and assist and aid each other whenever necessary!"

Remus opened his mouth and began to interfere, "I don't think –"

"AND," Sirius glared at him as if he was interrupting the most prominent speech of all time, "there's three of us, meaning we've each got our own specialties and things we exceed in. Once we teach Prongsie here all about them, he'll be able to get Lily Folily in no time!"

"Please don't call her that," James mumbled, not knowing whether to agree or disagree to his best friend's plan.

Peter, like the other two, was a little doubtful. "What _specialties_?"

"Well," Sirius looked around the room impressively, grinning, "me, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black, for my extraordinarily good looks and witty charms. Remus 'Moony' Lupin there, for his astonishing intellect and impressive knowledge of … stuff, and last but not least, Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew for his surprisingly good table manners."

It was true. Compared to the other boys, Peter actually had the knack to use his fork AND knife to cut his steak into little pieces before putting them daintily into his mouth. The only other person who came close was Remus – but usually, he only cut his whole steak up roughly right after he sat down and threw the knife to one side as he forked his pieces vigorously into his mouth. James and Sirius, on the other hand, simply inhaled their food.

James frowned. "I'm already sexy enough. If I got any sexier, I would explode. Besides," he snorted, after an afterthought, "it's not like _you'd_ be able to teach me anything about charms and good looks."

"Knowledge and intellect can't be taught either," Remus said. "How do you suppose I teach him something unteachable?"

"You're the smart one, figure it out yourself," Sirius shot back.

James snorted in impatience and pushed Sirius's arm away. "I don't need your help. I'm doing perfectly fine, Lily's just … late. She'll come around." He tried to ignore the looks they gave him. "She will!"

His friends merely gave him looks that read 'no she won't.'

James rolled his eyes at them before reaching into his trunk to grab his Invisibility Cloak and a few items of clothing. "I'm off to take a shower."

"In your Cloak?" Sirius snickered while Remus frowned. "So it was _you_ who's been using the Prefect's Bathroom all this time?"

"Er – yeah," James avoided making eye contact with him. "Sorry about last time, I promise it won't happen again."

"I hope not," Remus muttered darkly.

Peter was intrigued. "What did he do?"

"He 'forgot' to turn off one of the taps two weeks ago," he replied, cringing at the memory. "Somehow, the bubbles – the really big ones, as big as Quaffles – fused together and trapped the first Prefect that went inside after James left."

"Poor Davies," Sirius chortled. "Floating down the hallway stark-naked in a big, blue bubble for the whole world to see."

"Poor Davies? Poor us, more like!" Remus shook his head. "I do NOT want to re-live that sight again."

Peter, however, looked thoughtful. "I've always wanted to float around the school in a bubble." When the others shot him odd looks, he quickly added, "but fully clothed, of course!"

"You _know_ that was a mistake," James huffed, grabbing the door handle. "I promise, Moony – no more incidents like that will ever occur."

Remus smiled and returned to his book, not noticing him wink at Sirius and add quietly, "Not by accident, anyway."

After the door closed and James disappeared, they heard him laugh like a crazed maniac. Remus gave the door a frightened look and promptly said, "I'm in."

"Moony," Sirius smirked, "Why the change of mind?"

"I think it's a bloody great idea," he simply replied. When the remaining two gave him a look, he sighed and added, "I've run out of books to read."

"Glad for you to join us!" Sirius clapped him on the back, hard.

"I'll do it too," Peter suddenly said, looking at them back and forth. "I'm in."

"Great!"

"… do I get a strike on the back too?"

Remus snorted, trying and failing to rub his backside with his own hands. "Do you _want_ one?"

"Yes."

"I'm not even going to ask why," Remus mumbled before turning to an equally confused Sirius. "So, what's the plan?"

"Not plan," he chirped. "_Plans_, as in plan with an extra s, as in more than one plan, as in loads-of-awesome-plans, we're going to plan some of the best plans this plan has – I mean, planet has ever heard of!"

Remus and Peter just stared at him.

"Is the word plan starting to sound strange to you?"

* * *

**A/N**:

Er, I hope I introduced the plot of the story all right. I've been writing for a while on another account actually (but never HP-related), I just felt like making a new one. If you'd like more details and such, please say so – it's one of the qualities I know I lacked before, I'm trying to put more descriptive sentences into my writing.

This story is probably going to turn out really cliché. But you have to admit, those ones are the best. We'll just see if this one falls under that category. 8DDDDD

And just so you know … this will be a bit of a crackfic. Meaning, its humor is ridiculous and outrageous and will make you pee in your pants. Whether from laughter or disgust, I don't know. You've been warned.

See this button below? Click it. Type. REVIEW.


	2. Fruit Salad, Baguettes, Bra Flinging

**CAN I SNOG YOU, EVANS?**

**GENRE**: Romance/Humor, Lily/James

**SUMMARY**: "James, we say this because we care: your techniques suck."

**DISCLAIMER**: I own nothing.

* * *

**II. Fruit Salad, Baguettes, Bra Flinging**

"James, old boy, we, as Marauders, as your best friends, as sagacious and sapient Gryffindors, are going to help you."

"May I remind you that last time you attempted to 'help me,' flowers sprouted out of Dumbledore's beard and Moony was stuck with a bunny's tail for a week?"

"We will," Sirius ignored him, raising his voice slightly, "be sacrificing all of our time – well most of it, I still have a few dates to go on and snog – to focus on amending your decrepit and dilapidated acts on pursuing a certain Lily Evans. You will, I assure you, be eternally grateful and beholden to us. You can work off the debt you feel the need to reimburse by giving me your Invisibility Cloak."

James just looked at Remus in confusion and alarm. His friend sighed, "He was reading the dictionary yesterday. He was especially interested in the 's' and 'd' words."

"All great words start with 's'," Sirius waved his fork around, shoved some bacon and scrambled eggs into his mouth and simply swallowed it. "Snog, shag, shrimp, Sirius –"

It was the following morning in the Great Hall and the four of them had arrived surprisingly early to breakfast. Even more astounding was the fact that Sirius was the one who woke them all up and demanded to go in the first place; they did so grudgingly with much complaints and questioning, but Sirius assured them this way, they'll be able to tell James about his great _plans_, and they'll be able to get all the bacon before little Brian O'Rourke ate it all.

And they could be as loud as they want and only have half of the school gawk at them, instead of the whole population.

"What 'help' are you guys talking about?" James demanded, grabbing a piece of toast. "I don't need any help –"

"You could use some right now," Peter winced at the sight before him. "Word of advice: when spreading butter on bread, use a butter knife, not your finger."

James ignored him and took a bite out of his messy toast. "Are you three saying I don't have what it takes to win a girl's heart?"

"No, not at all," Remus replied, carefully choosing his words. "We're talking more along the lines of a certain girl –"

Sirius was more blunt. "She won't go out with you with an attitude like that."

"Like what?" James demanded again. "I've been charming to her, I've been polite, I've been –"

"– conceited, cocky, and self-centered: the three C's," Sirius cut through. Before James could open his mouth and retort how 'self-centered' didn't start with a c, he continued, "Lily's words, not mine. So, we're going to help you."

"How?" James snorted. "Punching a different personality into me?"

"I considered that, but no," Sirius shook his head, grabbing another plate of bacon. "We're going to give you some advice."

James sighed dejectedly. "Won't hurt to hear what it is – tell me."

After finishing off half of the bacon on the plate, Sirius grabbed his bag and began searching inside. He pulled out a few pieces of parchment, a half-eaten apple, some rubber bands, a few Chocolate Frogs and a bra.

"I'd ask about the apple," Remus stared at all the stuff in front of him, "but why do you carry around girls' garments around?"

"Is that what they _look_ like?" Peter touched the bra strap gingerly, gawking. He snatched his hand back instantly, as if the offending material burned him.

James however, probably used to it all, was more interested in _whose_ bra it belonged to. "Where the hell did you get that?"

"Hmm?" Sirius looked up from his bag and flushed a little. "Oh damn, that wasn't supposed to be here, sorry about that –"

James reached it before he could; he grabbed the strap and pulled it out of his reach quickly (slightly hitting Brian O'Rourke in the head, who sat miserably at his side: there was hardly any bacon left, it wasn't a very good morning for him). "Why do you have Evans's bra?"

"How do you know it's hers?" Peter asked, suspicious.

Reddening slightly, James stared at the table and mumbled, "I can't help it if our uniforms suck, it's not my fault the blouses are thin and white and you can see everything underneath, especially on a hot summer's day and they sweat and … and … it's not my fault!" he defended himself, huffing.

The rest of them shook their heads, but Sirius merely shrugged and said, "Not blaming you, mate. Especially with something as bright as that, sweating or not, people from Japan could probably see it too –"

"You," James suddenly glared at him, "still haven't told me how you got it."

"I only stole it from her closet, it's not like I slept with –"

Remus held a hand up. "It's early in the morning, I don't want to hear about your nightly escapades."

"And why," James asked, "did you steal it?"

"Don't worry," Sirius grinned at him, and motioned them to lean forwards. "It's all part of the plan. You see, all – Moony, you have porridge all over your vest now." Remus looked down, grunted, and sat back down on his seat and proceeded to wipe off the food from his clothing.

"Well?" James prompted.

"Lily will be all upset about losing her favorite bra, and you can bet she'll be complaining and wondering where it is with her friends: cue, you will swoop in with her missing under garment and give it to her, and she'll be all grateful and pleased and snog you right on the spot –"

"I would have probably agreed to this, if not for the item," James snorted. "A bra, Padfoot? Really?"

"Pretty ingenious, eh?"

"The girl gets annoyed even when I say hello. What makes you think she'll respond nicely when she finds out I'm holding her favorite bra?"

"Because it's her favorite!"

"It's a bra, you dimwit, it's not like it's a favorite quill or mouthgloss or whatever it's called –"

"Lipgloss," Peter interrupted. The others looked at him oddly, and he quickly added, "Carry on."

"I even drew a diagram, look!" Sirius grabbed a piece of parchment from the pile and shoved it under James's nose. The black-haired boy frowned as he inspected the drawing –

"Why are you the only person in this picture that looks remotely like himself, while the rest of us are stick people? And who's that?" he squinted. "Is that Lily and her friends? The two circles below their heads are not _that_ big –"

"So it's slightly out of proportion, whatever," Sirius said offhandedly. "But see Lily's expression here? That's exactly how she'll look when you give back her beloved … item."

"Her nose and mouth will disappear and big, green stars will pop out of where her eyes were?"

"They're hearts."

"That," Remus rejoined them once more, though you could still see the stains on his vest, "is the most retarded idea I've ever heard of."

James and Peter looked a little wary, but Sirius glared at Remus. "It's worth a try!"

"It's not worth anything," he snorted back. "It'll definitely backfire. You," he glared at Sirius, "you said we were going to help him, not destroy his life."

"How will this destroy his life?"

"Maybe _life_ is exaggerating a little, but it'll definitely destroy the chance he has with Lily –"

"I did the same thing with Alice MacCullen last year, it worked perfectly –"

"Because you guys were going out for a week already!"

"Like this is any different."

"The fact that Lily hates James is pretty different to me –"

"Hey, Prongs," Peter nodded at the entrance. "I think you might want to put that away, she's here, look –"

James's eyes widened. "Where do I put it?" he panicked. "Quick, help me find a place to hide this, I'm still not sure about this whole thing –"

"Here!" Sirius had noticed the redhead as well; he reached over, scrambled for the bra and threw it in the bowl of fruit salad.

"It's not sinking, it's still there, you can still see it!" James cried, now near hysterics. "I'm never listening to you again!"

"I – she – here!" Sirius grabbed a baguette and stuck it in, deliberately sinking the bra down so no one could see it, and the Marauders tried their best to look normal.

As normal as possible anyway; it was rather hard for Sirius, sticking a baguette in fruit salad and all.

"I think it'd be best for us if none of us talks to her –"

"HEY EVANS!"

It wasn't James who greeted her, much to their surprise, but Sirius. Left hand gripping the baguette, he waved his right hand vigorously and tried his best to act … normal.

Needless to say, it wasn't working.

Watching Lily and one of her friends approach them out of the corner of his eye, Remus hissed, "Why did you call her here? She's definitely going to ask what you're doing, and what are you going to say? 'I'm trying to help my friend go on a date with you by stealing your favorite bra and giving it to him so he could 'return' it to you'?"

Sirius snorted. "Do I look that stupid to you?"

His friends looked at him and his baguette. "Do you really want us to answer that?" Remus replied sarcastically.

"Hi, Remus," Lily smiled at him. "Pettigrew," she acknowledged, nodding at him. Peter gaped at her, mouth open and not knowing what to say. She was a _girl_. What on earth do you say to _girls_?

She barely glanced at the other two.

"Charlotte, darling!" Sirius winked at the girl beside Lily and gave her a flirtatious smile. "Still _beau_ as always, I see."

"_Belle_," Remus corrected him in an undertone, though he wasn't sure if he could hear him. "_Beau_ is masculine, you basically just called her a male –"

Something Charlotte herself noticed. She narrowed her eyes at Sirius. "It's Ch-_ar_-lotte," she pronounced, emphasizing the 'r' throatily. Her French accent wasn't thick, but you can clearly tell her country of origin. "And, like Remus said, you just called me _un homme_."

"Unom?"

"Pft," Charlote glared at him as Lily muttered under her breath, "Idiot."

"I know some French," James spoke up, looking impressively at Lily. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" Remus groaned and buried his face in his hands. Talk about helping friends; somehow it just keeps getting worse.

"What does that mean?" Peter asked, awed. "What did you say?"

Scratching his head, James frowned. "I'm not sure," he said. "But it sounded sexy. French is sexy. You can call me a moron in French and that would be sexy too."

"_Trouduc_," Lily promptly said.

"Like I said, sexy," James grinned dreamily at her. She turned away and focused her attention on Sirius instead.

"I'd ask what you're doing," she said, grabbing a bowl, "but I'd rather not know the answer. But please, move your rowing oar so I may eat some fruit."

"Er," Sirius fidgeted, "I … I … no."

"Non?" Charlotte frowned.

Peter, thinking quickly, replied, "He's practicing."

"For what?"

Indeed, for what?

"I'm not practicing for anything," Sirius glared at Peter as if it was all his fault, "I just enjoy dipping my bread into fruit salad like spaghetti, is that so wrong?"

"Not wrong, but it's definitely unheard of," Lily commented; now tapping her bowl impatiently with a spoon. "Can you at least lift up that baguette for five seconds and let me spoon some –"

"Let me do it!" James offered, grabbing her bowl. He hesitated. "Er … can you turn around for a moment?"

Remus's eyes widened as he saw a bit of the bright pink fabric starting to surface. "Sirius," he hissed, but his friend was busy eating bacon. "Sirius!" He kicked him hard in the shins.

"OUCH!"

"Remus," Lily narrowed her eyes at the boy in question. He had grabbed a baguette himself and stuck it in the bowl; the pink material was now gone. He chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head with his free hand.

"Ehehe, you see, I thought I'd join in … I mean, Sirius seems to be really into it and all."

"_Merci_ for pointing out the obvious," Charlotte looked disgustedly at Sirius, who had started scooping the fruit with some toast and shoving it into his mouth, moaning in delight.

"It's like watching porn," James muttered. After a second, he asked, "Is it really that good?"

Remus watched in horror as the rest of his friends both grabbed some bread and started spooning some fruit salad down their throats as well. "Am I the only sane one here?"

"Ugh," Lily wrinkled her nose at the sight. "Congratulations, you three, for ruining my appetite. C'mon, Charlotte, let's go to another table and see if they've got some fruit salad left, preferably a bowl without three boys surrounding and literally shagging it … "

Sirius looked up in panic. No, they couldn't leave yet; James was about to return her bra! "WAIT!" he shouted, waving both his arms above his head.

Big mistake. As his hands flew into the air, so did the baguette – one of the straps had clung onto the end of bread and the bra was flung across the room, smack into Walter Paisley's face.

Everyone present in the Great Hall froze. Half of them merely gawked at the Marauders, some of them held their forks/spoons/knives/chopsticks in midair, food half-way to their mouths. There was a moment of shocked silence before everyone burst out laughing – everyone, that is, except for Paisley.

And Lily.

Charlotte would've probably joined in the laughter too, but there was a catch …

"_Pourquoi_," she growled, only a few steps away from where the four sat, "is my bra in a fruit bowl?"

Sirius froze. "_Your_ bra?"

"Yes, mine!" Charlotte whipped her head around to glare at him angrily; it was rather startling her neck didn't snap. "Sirius Black … did you steal it?"

"'Steal' is too harsh of a word, _mon cherie_," Sirius bowed. Remus kicked him for a second time, "It's _ma cherie_, you moron, you just called her a guy _again_ –"

"– I was simply – ah – borrowing it," he ignored the kick, though his shin was throbbing in pain. "You see, there was this little … experiment that we wanted – _ow!_ – ok, that _I_ wanted to try out, but I assure you, I had every intention on giving it back –"

As Sirius stuttered and tried to think of an experiment under Charlotte's furious glare, James tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Were there any polka dots on the cups?" he asked no one in particular. "That might explain the difference. Oh, silly me!"

Peter ignored his friends' sudden ridiculous laughter by scooping some more fruit onto his croissant. "This is good. Moony, try some."

"And I thought you were supposed to be the one with the good table manners, according to Padfoot?" Remus raised an eyebrow at him, trying his best to take no notice of all the chaos surrounding them.

"I am!" he showed him his croissant. "Look, I cut it in half and put the fruit inside, like a sandwich, so it won't come out. James and Sirius, however … didn't."

"So sorry," his friend snorted sarcastically. "How clever of you. Didn't realize, do carry on –"

Peter shoved the fruit-filled croissant in Remus's mouth.

* * *

Lily and Charlotte were standing outside the Transfiguration classroom, waiting patiently for their first class to begin.

"The nerve of 'im, that _imbécile_!"

Right, so not exactly _patiently_ …

"Help me, I don't understand this at all, McGonagall's going to kill me –"

"'E wanted to fling water balloons at the Slytherins?"

"Yes, childish, I agree, but seriously, I need –"

"Don't say that word!"

"Childish?"

"No, 'seriously'!"

Lily looked at her oddly. "Seriously what?"

"Don't say 'seriously'!"

"Oh, _seriously_," she shook her head. "That's ridiculous, Charlotte, don't let a guy you hate make you stop using –"

Huffing, Charlotte hugged her books closer to her chest, glaring at the wall. "I would've expected a more … extravagant excuse from Sirius Black, even a more, how do I say this? _Unique_ one," she ranted. "But no. 'E gives me the most _puérile_, over-used, pathetic …"

Lily gave up begging her friend for help and returned to her book, _Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_. She raised her wand, crossing her eyes in concentration. "_Duro_," she muttered, pointing at a spider on the wall. "_Duro_. Why are you still walking? DURO!"

"_Duro_," a voice came up behind her, and she instantly saw the spider turn to stone. Instead of thanking him, she turned and glared at a smiling James Potter. "Are you done showing off?"

"I was only trying to help!"

"If you wanted to help me, you should have taught me instead of doing it all by yourself."

"Hence, 'try'!"

"And you failed!"

"You're forgetting the extra flick," Remus came up, interrupting them. "Just –" he showed her "– and try not to jab the spider."

"Thank you, Remus," Lily beamed at him before whirling around to glare at an annoyed James. "And that, Potter, is how you teach someone."

James frowned as Lily turn to Charlotte and began to strike up a conversation with her, or rather, listen to a still enraged French girl rave on and on about a certain Sirius Black. He turned his angry stare to Remus. "What did you do that for?"

"I helped you out of a sticky patch there," he shrugged. "Thought you could use some help."

"I don't need help!" James stated furiously. "Remember what happened just a few minutes ago, when you guys tried to 'help' me? A bra was flung at Paisley's face from a fruit salad bowl with a baguette!"

"And if you remember correctly, I was against it," Remus reminded him before chuckling. "But c'mon, it was pretty funny –"

"And it resulted in a very angry Paisley, who decided to chase us around the grounds."

"Us?"

"Paisley's still after Padfoot," James explained, looking worryingly down the hall. "He sent a spell at him, but he missed and hit Wormtail instead, he's in the hospital wing right now."

Remus couldn't resist asking, "What happened to him?"

"Well," he frowned, "I think he's supposed to be tap dancing whenever he walks, but I think Paisley, being the dimwit he is, said the incantation wrong. Wormtail's letting out a toot-toot every step he takes, and, well …"

"No need to explain any further," Remus made a face as the bell rang. The class scrambled in, sitting at their usual seats; with the absence of Sirius and Peter, the duo sat together. "Poor Madam Pomfrey."

"I can imagine," James couldn't help but chuckle. "And this is why I refuse your help."

"I was a little reluctant about joining in," his friend admitted, getting out his books just as Professor McGonagall strode in. "You know how Sirius is about his 'plans'."

"Thank you."

"But I seriously think you could do with some help."

"I think I'm doing quite well."

"You say that every time, but you know as well as I do it's not true."

"It is so."

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Then tell me, how is it doing 'quite well' when it isn't going at all?"

James opened his book forcefully and pretended to be engaged in Chapter Three.

"You're reading it upside down."

"Leonardo da Finci wrote things upside down," James scoffed. "I can read things upside down, because like Leonardo, I'm a genius."

"Vinci."

"What?"

"Never mind. And he didn't write things upside down, he wrote them –"

Before James could question him any further, the classroom door burst open and Sirius literally rolled inside, hit James's chair and slumped down beside it. Before McGonagall had a chance to ask him about his entrance, her and the students turned to the entrance to see Paisley burst out in maniacal laughter, head thrown back and cackling like a crazed witch. Upon seeing his audience, he blushed a little before muttering something about 'insanity' and 'flying bras' and sauntered away.

Insanity indeed.

"Black," McGonagall approached their table, glaring down at the slumped form of Sirius. He immediately jumped up, adjusted his clothes and hair and took a deep bow.

"I'm forever sorry, Professor McGracious," he apologized, looking pleadingly into her eyes. "It won't ever happen again!"

She took no notice in the 'nickname', she was already used to all the name alterings he had given her for the past few years. "That's what you've said ever since you stumbled into my class during the first day of your first year," she scowled. "Sit still, Black."

"Yes, Professor McGallant!"

"Gallant?" Remus snorted as Sirius pulled up the chair in front of them, plopping himself down. "Out of all the adjectives that start with 'g' …"

"I know," he frowned. "I'm running out. I don't like using the same one either, though I think McGorgeous was used three times already –"

"As fascinating this all is," James interrupted sarcastically, lowering his voice so that Professor 'McGorgeous' wouldn't hear them, "can you guys please, just stop 'helping' me? I appreciate it –"

"Could have fooled me," Sirius snorted.

"– right, fine, I don't, because it DOESN'T WORK!"

"Mr Potter," McGonagall paused by their table, frowning at them, "care to explain why you don't think the Homorphus Charm would work on werewolves?"

"I – er –"

"Assuming you were, of course, talking about things related to my class, which, might I remind you, is Transfiguration?"

"Oh, the _Homorphus Charm_!" Sirius barked out a laugh, slapping his best friend on the back. "James here thought you were talking about … about … yeah, what did you think she was talking about, Prongs? Pay attention!"

Remus rolled his eyes and James glared at him. McGonagall strode off, muttering under her breath. It was rather surprising how they all managed to get top marks in her classes – or any of their other classes, for that matter – with their childish antics and immature behavior.

"I wonder what they're talking about?" Lily frowned, looking over her left shoulder. Charlotte snorted beside her.

"Probably setting up another prank," she snapped. Apparently she still hadn't been able to get over the whole bra-flinging incident at breakfast. "This time 'e'll probably steal all the girl's bras and make a massive catapult and fling the giant squid at the castle. And since when do you care?"

"I don't!" Lily hissed. "I'm a Prefect, I'm merely doing my job – and I expected more from Remus, he has his duties to do –"

"At least you're not paired up with Potter," Charlotte said quietly as McGonagall shot them a look that plainly said 'shut up or I'll turn you into a bottle of Butterbeer.'

Lily rolled her eyes. "I wonder what Black was really doing with your bra, though?"

"I'm not sure I even want to know. I made him promise me to buy me another, though."

"You asked Sirius Black to go bra-shopping for you?"

"No!" Charlotte stared at her in disbelief. "'E'd probably buy the more … _érotique_ ones and ask me to put them on in front of 'im to make sure 'e bought the right size."

Their conversation was ended abruptly by McGonagall, who had demanded each of them now to practice. What exactly, they didn't know, but from the diagrams on the blackboard, it seemed like they were supposed to create a blue thread out of thin air.

"Blue?" Charlotte said. "Why blue? So if ours is purple, does it mean we fail? You know my bra still smells like pineapple?"

"Look at them now," Lily hissed, completely ignoring her friend. "They're huddled together, scribbling something on that piece of parchment … they're up to something!"

"I'd be worried if they _weren't_."

"And James keeps on looking and winking at me –"

"What else is new?"

"And Sirius is pointing at me!"

"He's probably just learning the names of his fingers," Charlotte sighed. "I don't know why you care that much, Lils."

"Because they're up to something!" she hissed. "And I'm almost fully sure it's got something to do with me."

"You're so _vaniteuse_," she looked at the confused expression her friend gave her and said, "Conceited."

"I wish you'd stop using French words, you know how bad I am at the language," Lily mumbled. She was about to snap back when she froze under McGonagall's fierce glare, so she hastily returned her gaze to her textbook. "Right, concentrate – " But before she could do so much as pick up her wand, she gave a little squeak of fright when she noticed someone suddenly appearing beside her seat.

"Lily," Remus was crouched low, seeming to be a little tense. "Er, I have a – a proposition for you."

"And what's that?" Lily looked at him suspiciously. Out of all of the Marauders, he was the one she trusted the most – some times, anyway.

He fidgeted a little, looking anywhere but at her face. "Can we change swifts tomorrow evening?"

"Why?"

"I need to … I need to … er, mourn."

"Mourn?" Lily's eyes widened.

"Yeah, my great-great-grandmother died a few days ago," Remus said in a rush, now speaking without thinking. "We were really close, and I thought I could use some time to, you know. Yeah."

"Why not tonight?" Charlotte butted in, who had been listening to their exchange closely.

"Because tonight I have to er, mourn for my great-great-grandfather?" Remus squirmed under Charlotte's suspicious stare and Lily's remorseful one.

"This all sounds very suspicious to me –"

"Of course I'll trade shifts with you!"

Remus's jaw dropped open. "You – you will?"

"I lost my great-great-grandparents two years ago, I know how it feels," Lily patted his shoulder.

He was, however, still in disbelief. Despite having an 'astonishing intellect and impressive knowledge of stuff,' Remus wasn't exactly talented in the lying department. He quickly shook himself out of his doubts and recovered, "I'm er, sorry to hear that."

Charlotte wasn't convinced. "Look 'ere, Remus, you may be able to trick Lily, but you and your bra-flinging buddies don't fool me –"

"So, six o'clock, the Great Hall! See ya!" And with that, he practically sprinted back to his seat.

Out of the corner of her eye, Charlotte saw Sirius and James thumping Remus on the back – causing him to jolt his desk – with big goofy grins before high-fiving each other. "Seriously, Lily, they're up to something –"

"Charlotte!" Lily scolded. "The guy's relative just died, the least you could do is to show some respect."

"The teacher has been trying to teach the class," a stern voice came up behind them. "The least you two can do is show _her_ some respect and work. Even Potter has managed to create a lilac colored thread!"

"Sorry, Professor," Charlotte mumbled.

As McGonagall turned to leave, she stopped in her tracks and sniffed the air. "Does anyone smell pineapple?"

* * *

**A/N:**

Thank you to the reviewers! (:

Happy Holidays, everyone. How about a few reviews as a present for me, eh?


	3. Muffins, Green Afros, Lipstick

**CAN I SNOG YOU, EVANS?**

**GENRE**: Romance/Humor, Lily/James

**SUMMARY**: "James, we say this because we care: your techniques suck."

**DISCLAIMER**: I own nothing.

**III. Muffins, Green Afros, Lipstick**

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* * *

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James loves Sirius.

No, not in that way, idiots – as _friends_. Yes, he loves him. They had been best friends ever since their first train ride to Hogwarts in their first year, after 'accidentally' giving Lucious Malfoy a big green afro (which nearly earned him his first detention – Sirius managed to sweet-talk out of that one. McGonagall learned her lesson). Apparently, Sirius wanted to show James that he will become the next Albus Dumbledore; he said his name will 'be known to all.'

The 'next Dumbledore' part didn't work out too well. However, his name _was_ known to all – if 'all' meant the students and staff at Hogwarts.

Filch, for example. He didn't just know Sirius's name, he was also familiar with his tricks; especially his and James's pranks. He had two file cabinets labeled 'POTTER AND BLACK' and was well on the way on starting a third one, he had chased them from every hallway known at Hogwarts, and he shouted their names so often it seemed like he couldn't control his own voice anymore.

"BLACK! POTTER!"

"POTTER! BLACK!"

"JAMES POTTER! SIRIUS BLACK!"

"SIRIUS POTTER! JAMES BLACK!"

"BLATTER!"

Ah, good times, good times.

Now, starting their sixth year at Hogwarts, James was starting to re-think about the 'friendly love'. He couldn't help but feel a little … not so appreciative of Sirius. Yes, he was only trying to help, trying to fulfill his 'duty' of a best friend, but right now, standing in front of his full-length mirror, he was having doubts.

And it wasn't just about their friendship.

"You look smashing," Sirius grinned from beside him, looking at the mirror.

James glared at him in their reflections. "This is lime green."

"Yes, I know."

"Why is it lime green?"

"I think it looks rather smashing."

"I think it's rather unnecessary."

"A little color never hurt anyone, Prongs."

"You do know I'm playing for Gryffindor, right?"

"So?"

"Our colors are red and gold with a lion as our emblem. Not a muffin!"

Sirius stared at the gold muffin on his chest, his mouth now forming an 'o' as James continued to glare furiously at him.

"Are you trying to help me again?"

"Yes."

"I've given up," James clenched his teeth, "asking you to stop helping me."

"Good idea, mate."

"I'm not going to ask how lime green Quidditch robes will help me 'get Evans,'" he continued, going over to his bed to grab his wand, "and I'm – what? What is it?"

Sirius had started to snigger but stopped abruptly when James turned his head around, looking at him oddly. "Nothing, nothing!"

"I don't believe you."

"You don't believe me, you don't want me to help you, some best friends we are –"

"We're back! Hey James, what's with your – ow!"

Sirius whacked Peter on the back of his head and gave him a look that clearly told him to shut up. Remus had entered their dorm after him, carrying his bag. He stopped and looked at his friend's attire, stared at him for a moment before turning to frown at Sirius, examining his fingernails innocently beside him.

"Padfoot," Remus confronted, "are you trying to help James again?"

"… yes."

"The word _help_ is sounding less and less like a word," Peter muttered. "It's been said way too many times for the past week."

Frustrated, James waved his wand in Sirius's direction. "This maniac turned my robes lime green! Practice starts in five minutes, I have a muffin on my chest and I'll literally glow in the dark –"

"So Lily will see you!"

"Excuse me?"

All eyes turned to Sirius. "She'll be patrolling the corridors near the Great Hall, it'll be all dark, she's got to notice you _somehow_."

"And turning my robes into a neon color will, what, light her way?" James shot back mockingly. "What am I, her personal lantern?" He didn't wait for an answer; instead he turned to Remus and threw his arms up in frustration. "Help me here, Moony?"

Remus sighed, pointed his wand at James's Quidditch clothes and muttered the incantation. Immediately, the original red color came into view.

"Thank you," James grumbled, satisfied but still annoyed. "Right, I'll be going now. And no," he said without looking at Sirius, who had opened his mouth to ask a question, "you're not using the Invisibility Cloak to stalk me."

"But we want to be there for your first smooch with Lily!"

Peter snorted. "Who says 'smooch' nowadays?" Even _he_ didn't say it. Jeez.

"Good_bye_," James emphasized, grabbing his broom and slamming the door behind him.

Sirius turned to Remus, who was looking amusedly at the door. "You didn't change it," he commented, grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Nah," Remus smiled back, plopping himself down on the bed. "The muffin's still there."

"And so's _Sexy_ _Pottercakes_," Sirius rolled with laughter. "I must say, that has got to be one of my better ideas –"

"Bewitching the back of his robes so it'd read _Sexy Pottercakes_ instead of his surname? Ingenious," he chuckled.

Peter sniggered. "Did you change the number too, Padfoot?"

"I couldn't help it," Sirius said with an evil smirk. "He always boasted about being number one."

"So turning the one into 69 is going to help matters how?"

"It won't," Sirius stated simply, now on all fours under James's mattress. "I just thought I'd tease him a bit."

"Yes, because the muffin and the name change wasn't enough," Remus commented dryly. "You have it yet?"

Sirius pulled out James's 'Box of Secrets' (according to the lid). Underneath, in bold, red letters, he had also scrawled out 'DO NOT OPEN!'

Sirius opened it.

Holding up the Cloak in his hands, he grinned at the remaining Marauders. "Who's with me? Let's go catch James and Lily in action!"

Peter was already on his feet, brushing his robes off. "Let's go then!"

Frowning slightly, Remus said, "You heard Prongs, he doesn't want us to –"

"And since when have we ever listened to him?"

"Good point, fine, let me get my shoes –"

"Oh no, not you," Sirius put a hand on Remus's shoulder and pushed him back down. "You're supposed to be mourning for your great-great-grandpa today."

"Grandmother," Peter corrected him automatically.

"Same thing," Sirius waved it off as Remus started to protest. "I need to be there to keep you two from doing something stupid –"

"This was _my_ plan, Moony, so everything's going to turn out fine!" Sirius beamed at him.

"Like your last one?" Remus shot back sarcastically.

"I'm out of midnight snacks," Peter cut in, looking under his bed. "We should stop by the kitchens on the way, Padfoot, I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with a hungry stomach."

Sirius nodded, but Remus continued to object. "I'll be under the Cloak, she won't see me anyways! Or do you plan on revealing yourself?"

Squirming slightly under Remus's skeptical gaze, Sirius snorted. "Not on purpose, no! The Cloak won't be able to hide all three of us, so one of us has to stay behind."

"So why does it have to be me?"

"You'll be too loud telling us off," Sirius explained. "You'll give us away!"

"I'm coming with," Remus insisted. "I don't care what – what the hell is that on your head?"

Touching his hair, Sirius gasped in horror at what he felt. He whipped around to face the mirror and howled in despair at the sight, "My hair! My gorgeous, dark wavy locks! It's – it's –"

"_Green_," Peter finished for him, sniggering. "And big, and poofy, it's an –"

"Afro," Remus chortled, holding his stomach. "Sirius Black with a big green afro!"

"This isn't funny!" Sirius glared at his two roommates, who were now practically rolling on the floor with laughter. "I can't go out like this, it'll ruin my reputation!"

"And you won't be able to fit under the Cloak," Remus said, still chuckling. "No worries, I'll replace you, me and Wormtail here will go –"

"You did this, didn't you?" Sirius cried, holding onto his head – er, hair. "Moony, how could you?"

"I didn't," Remus shook his head. "Though I wish I did. I think it was Prongs, he was waving his wand at you, wasn't he?"

"Little twit."

"Says the guy who changed his robes green with a muffin on his chest," Remus snorted.

Peter was standing on a chair near Sirius, examining his new hair-do closely with a fascinated expression on his face. "Maybe it's a wig?"

"Oh no," Sirius, realizing what he was up to, backed away from him slowly, still clutching his hair. "No, you aren't going to pull my hair and 'test' if it's real or not, are you – OUCH!"

"Hmm, seems like it is," Peter sighed.

"Yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious," Sirius snapped, rubbing his scalp; as best as he could reach anyway. "Moony, you can fix this, can you? I have a date with – with – er, can't really remember her name, Fiona I think – no, Filomena –"

"Lucinda," Remus corrected him.

"How would you know?"

"I was standing next to you when she told you," he explained, "but you were too busy looking at –"

"That's not the point, I have a date with Lucille tomorrow –"

"Lucinda."

"– and I'd really appreciate it if you could de-green my hair!"

Remus looked at him, slightly red in the face with frustration and annoyance with his big green afro, and started to laugh instead. Sirius threw his hands up in irritation.

"Let me come with you then," Remus bribed him, smiling slyly.

"No!"

"Fine, suit yourself. Either you let me in on this little trip with your 'gorgeous, dark, wavy locks', afro-less, or you stay here with your new hair-do, sulking."

Sirius pondered this for a moment, but before he could reply, Remus added, "And we'll push you down the stairs so everyone in the common room will see you."

"Even Lucia?" Sirius's eyes widened in horror.

"_Lucinda_, yes, she will," Remus glared at him. Was it really that hard to remember a girl's name? Or was it the afro's doing?

"Fine," Sirius replied immediately, and stood next to him. "Now do it."

"And," Remus continued, "you'll have to promise to just watch James and Lily, and not interfere."

"Right, okay."

"Deal?"

"Deal."

"You have to promise."

"I promise."

"Pinky swear?"

"What's a pinky swear?"

"Never mind."

"Why is it called a pinky swear? Pinkies don't swear, do they? If they did, my pinky would be one dirty little –"

"Just – don't interfere. Got it?"

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?"

"Just making sure, you always seem to 'forget' these things –"

"Can you two shut up so we can get going and get some food?"

* * *

James was practically skipping on his way en route to the Quidditch Pitch. On his way, he would definitely meet a certain lady named Lily Evans – brilliant! He'll be all charming and polite, he'll woo her, and the next thing he'll know, she'll be agreeing on a date with him on their next Hogsmeade weekend.

Nothing could go wrong … especially without his other friends around, trying – and failing – to help him. He felt like shouting in glee to the ceilings above!

He did.

"Potter!"

James whipped around to see McGonagall glare at him, poking her head through a classroom door. He chuckled nervously, raised his hand as if apologizing, and scurried off quickly before she could say anything else.

"Oof!"

He collided with something – or rather, someone, he wasn't stupid enough to walk straight into a wall or statue – and stumbled a few steps back.

"Potter!"

"Lily!" James grinned at her. "Lily!"

"Yes, that's my name," she scowled from her position on the floor. She pushed herself up and brushed her robes off. "What are you doing here? Where are you going?"

"Why? Do you want to come with me?"

"Where, to another one of your dates?"

"With a broomstick and in my Quidditch robes?" James raised an eyebrow at her questioningly.

"Yes, your robes," Lily looked at his chest, not knowing whether to laugh or frown. "I have a bunch of questions and I don't know where to start."

Seeing where she was looking at, James straightened his back and puffed his chest out. "Well, let's start with number one," he beamed. "I get my toned abs from Quidditch, but I am naturally toned and muscular, no fat on me at all –"

"Muffin," Lily interrupted, pointing at his frontal area. James looked somewhat taken aback.

"It's a little early for endearments like that, but if you like," he grinned broadly at her, putting an arm around her shoulders and started to steer her down the hall. "What shall I call you? If I'm your muffin, you can be … my cupcake!"

"Cupcake?" she scowled, trying to push his arm away but with no avail.

"No? What about Lilypie? I think it has a nice ring to it."

"I think," Lily glared at him, still trying to push away his offending arm, "you've gone crazy."

"Crazy for you," he smiled dreamily at her, finally letting her arm go. "Go on, Lily – go out with me."

"Since when have you started calling me by my first name?"

"Calling you Evans makes it sound so … unfriendly."

"I have never given you permission to call me Lily!"

"Why do I need permission?"

"Because it's _my_ name!" Lily burst out stupidly.

"So if I call you Evans, will you go out with me then?"

"Listen here, Potter," Lily stepped in front of him, tilted her head to look right into his eyes. "I – will – never – go – out – with – you."

"Why?"

"You're –"

"Yes, yes, I know," James waved off her excuses, pouting. "I know. I'll change!"

"You'll change when pigs fly!" She turned around angrily and started to walk away. "Go away, I have patrolling duties to do. You're in my way."

"No, I will!" James cried, grabbing her arm. "Tell me what to do – everything, all the steps, I'll do them one by one. I'll do anything you ask."

Lily stopped struggling against his grip and looked at his pleading eyes with wariness. "Anything I ask?"

"Anything!"

Ever since their first encounter on their first ever train ride to Hogwarts, James fell for those green eyes. Even then, when they were flashing with anger, he felt compelled: big, captivating, deep emerald orbs, reminding him oddly of his favorite flavor of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, spinach (he was weird that way).

He had decided right then and there that green was his new favorite color.

But right now, he couldn't help but feel apprehensive. Those green eyes that were usually crossed in anger or annoyance when they met his were now brightened rather mischievously.

"Nothing life-threatening," he added quickly, noting the look, "and you can't tell me to sod off, and you can't – you can't push me away!"

"Fine," Lily smiled happily, but before she could say anything else, James interrupted: "But you'll have to go out with me in the end."

"I'm not promising anything," Lily muttered darkly, which actually meant NO in her mind. Usually, she would've pulled away, maybe docked some points off from Gryffindor, yelled at him some more and go back to her Prefect duties, but today …

James, as trusting as ever, especially around Lily, beamed at her. "You will," he grinned cockily. "You're going to fall for my charms! Then we'll be going out on dates, we'll get married with Sirius as the best man – actually, I'm not sure if he's qualified for the best man post yet, but we'll see, now, who do you think should be our bridesmaids and what about the name of our first child –?"

Lily ignored his blabbering and cut in with, "First things first," she finally managed to pull herself out of his grip, "your hair."

"My hair?"

"Yes, Potter, hair. Surely you've heard of it?"

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"It'd be quicker to mention what's _right_ with it," Lily frowned, looking at the dark mess on his head. She pulled out her wand and began poking and flipping through it as if examining a particularly overgrown fungus. "Have you ever owned a comb before?"

"I'd still like to know what's wrong with my hair!" James demanded, stepping back and pulling away from her reach. "It looks amazing and smells just as wonderful! Is it the color?"

"Uh, no –"

"It is, isn't it?"

"Potter –"

"I'll change the color for you! What do you prefer? Blond? Nah, I look horrible with blond hair," James sighed miserably, pulling out his mirror, and glared into it as if it would tell him what color to change his hair to. "It's brown, isn't it? I've always thought you were more of a brunette kind of girl, and it'd go wonderfully with your red hair, although I think black looks better –"

"It's a mess," Lily interrupted once more, putting her hands on her hips. "It looks like the Hiroshima bomb blew up on it."

"Who's Shima?" James demanded. "Why is he the hero? I'm the hero!"

"It's a bomb – never mind!" Lily was losing her patience. "It's just, your hair is a mess, I don't care what color it is – what was that?"

Something brushed past her, sending shivers up her spine. Before the duo could say or do anything, swear words seemed to pop out of thin air and they could hear the sound of a 'backdoor trumpet'.

James recognized the sources of these sounds (and odor) immediately, cussed himself, and started dragging Lily away.

"Where are we going?" she demanded. "What are you doing? Stop!"

He obliged, stopping only outside the front doors. His eyes darted around their surroundings but before he could say anything, Lily cut in. "Aren't you supposed to be at practice?"

"Wha?"

"Quidditch," she pointed at his broomstick. "The love of your life."

"I have many loves in my life," James replied. "Quidditch, yes, but then there's Honeydukes, and Zonko's Joke Shop, and there's chocolate cake – especially the rich, gooey ones that stick to your teeth. Oh Merlin, I can live on that alone, without sex –"

"Too much information," Lily scowled.

"– and then there's my most recent favorite, baguettes dipped in fruit salad –"

"Yes, no need to remind me," Lily glared at him. "Speaking of which, when will Black repay Charlotte for ruining her clothes?"

James grinned furtively. "Well, I can think of several ways Sirius would be more than happy to –"

"Will you stop thinking like a pervert?"

"Will you go out with me?"

Lily was about to retort but instead gave a little shriek when she felt something brush against her arm again and instinctively stepped closer to James, who noticed this immediately.

"What's wrong? Don't worry, I'll protect you!" James threw his broom to the side dramatically (and hit a first-year, but that's okay) and stepped in front of his ladylove, chest puffed out with hands on his hips, looking impressively around.

"Protection? From you?" Lily snorted. "What about Quidditch?"

"My team will shrivel without me, but that's okay," James grinned at her. "My Lilypad is more important!"

"Your 'protection' will most likely end up with me in the hospital wing with strawberries coming out of my ears, Remus and Black switching personalities, Peter having overgrown finger nails painted in hot pink and you covered in green slime."

"How did you know they're here?"

"They're here?" Lily gaped at his equally shocked expression. "I was just kidding!"

James realized his mistake too late. "Who do you mean, _they_? 'They', I mean 'they' as in … the Beatles."

"You know who the Beatles are?"

"Yep. You know, they're surprisingly good."

"Of course they're good!"

"My favorite song's Yellow Submarine, what about yours?"

"I love that one too! I have an autographed poster of a yellow submarine from my dad; he gave it to me for my birthday. "

"_Really_? No way!"

"Uh-huh, I know, _right_?"

* * *

"… and last week I bought this lipstick in the perfect pink color!"

"Oh _wow_!"

"This girl grabbed it before me, and I was like, _oh no you didn't_."

"What a _bitch_."

"I know right? But I scratched her and got it!"

"Oh _gosh_, you must show it to me sometime!"

"I have it right here, want me to put some on you?"

"Okay!"

Peter paused his chewing for a moment. "Padfoot, you're really not going to put it on him, are you?"

The remaining three Marauders were now cramped in a tiny broom cabinet: a dark, dusty room with a 'perfect view of them making-out,' according to Sirius. After a few minutes of hunching their backs (except Peter) under the Invisibility Cloak and watching James and Lily talk about the Beatles, they decided to move into 'a more spacious place.'

Needless to say, they were having second thoughts.

Sirius snorted. "Of course not. Imitating and teasing has its limits, you know." _Damn it! _He discreetly put the lipstick back in his robes and removed the red wig from his head.

"Says the man who tripped on his own beard that he grew when impersonating Dumbledore," Remus muttered. "But I'm glad to hear that."

"Are they still talking?"

"Mm-hmm," Peter stuffed another blueberry muffin in his mouth while peeking out of the keyhole of the broom closet. "When's the smooching going to start?"

"I-know_-right?_"

Remus looked at his friend awkwardly. "Why are you still in character?"

"I can't help it," Sirius frowned. "So, bitches, what's going on out there?"

"They've stopped talking about the Ladybugs –"

"Beatles," Remus hissed, cringing.

"– and are now back to arguing."

"About what? About which position to use for their first _encounter_ –"

"Padfoot, you're stepping on my shoes."

"Oh my _gosh_, are those Chanel?"

"How do you know about Muggle designers?"

"Girlfriend, I am so, so sorry –"

"Please stop."

"Guys," Peter bit his lip, a half-eaten brownie in his hand, "I think I ate too much."

Sirius and Remus took a while to take this information in. They stopped, looked at their little friend (it was dark; they looked at a piece of rope on the wall instead), looked at each other (Remus looked at Sirius's butt, Sirius looked at a broomstick), back at Peter (the brownie in his hand this time) … and then realization sunk in.

"MUST – GET – OUT – OF – HERE –"

"Sirius, now you're stepping on both of my shoes – "

"I'll buy you a new pair, I'll buy you another dozen, just get us out of here!"

It seemed like the closet was either shrinking or they were growing bigger by the minute; Remus somehow got his foot stuck in a box and Sirius had tripped over his feet. "I can't move!" Remus groaned, pulling on his leg. "Thank Merlin I remembered to cast _Muffliato_, or else we'd be in big –"

"Wormtail, PUT THAT CAKE DOWN!"

"How do you know I'm eating?"

"You chew like a hippo."

"What's a hippo?"

"PUT THE CAKE DOWN!

"It's pie."

"THEN PUT THE PIE DOWN!"

"Oh, did you want some?"

Sirius let out a groan of anguish and hit the back of his head against the cold stone floor. "Moony," he looked up from his position on the floor and stared hard at Remus's crotch, thinking it was his face. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Remus nodded sternly, looking at the mop. "Wormtail's the closest to the door, we can't find the Cloak, and we don't know any spells that can stop … 'Mother Nature', so that just us leaves one option."

Peter stopped chewing and looked at a spider dangling in front of his face. "Guys," he said nervously, "what are you planning?"

* * *

"I can't believe I just told you that."

"I can't either."

"How … why – why did I tell you that?"

"I think it's pretty cute."

"There's nothing _cute_ about explosive diarrhea!"

"It sort of is when it cost you twenty quid just to –"

"So I had to wipe my butt with Muggle money because there weren't any toilet paper left, get over it! James Potter, stop sniggering!"

Before James could reply, there was a sudden BANG and a certain Peter Pettigrew – and his bag of desserts – rolled out of the closet, facing James and Lily, his expression just as stunned as theirs.

"Peter?"

"Wormtail," James growled, "please tell me Padfoot and Moony aren't in there too."

"Padfoot and Moony aren't in there too."

"Really?"

"No." _Munch munch munch_.

"Then why did you – ?"

"You told me to."

James bristled in annoyance. He was about to open his mouth and retort when he noticed the sudden change of expression on Peter's face, an expression he knew only too well.

"Potter?" Lily looked at him skeptically when he suddenly grabbed her wrist and began pulling her away and breaking into a sprint. "Let – go – of – me!"

The second 'bang' could be heard echoing in the Great Hall.

* * *

**A/N**:

TBH, this chapter didn't go as well as I planned, but I intend to make it better with the next one. I'm done with my college applications, so I'll definitely have more time to write instead of putting it off week after week like this one (:

Thank you to all my reviewers!


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